Days of a past b-log ...

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

7:14 AM - Can a sandwich change someone's life?
Current mood: curious

Remember when I promised to bring funny back? Today might be that day. The moment of truth, the day of the dawn. And you thought you'd witnessed the end of the b-log, huh? You might have been right if it weren't for the delightful, delectable, INSPIRATIONAL sandwich I had after work yesterday. Of what sandwich do I speak? You'll have to come back when shortly to find out...

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Monday, October 16, 2006

6:31 AM - Moving out and how time catches up with us all...
Current mood: quixotic

Holy blog lateness. Sorry, I have work to do on Mondays. Catch up on the sleep I didn't get over the weekend, for example. But, really, I'm the middle of several projects at work and am starting to feel sort of utilized. Yippee! Anyways, you people didn't come here to read about things going right in my life, but rather what is tragic and sad. Sadists.

Well, this weekend was wonderful, but too short. Three Cardinals games and a Vandal game make Blake a dull boy. For those of you who went to the Sports Zone (which is like one person because I saw nearly no one there I knew), was that wild or what? Oh, and did anyone catch the professional fighting afterward? That was almost as exciting as the game. Good stuff. Now I can say I've seen barbarianism in person at its mightiest. Oh, and did you know that you can drive as drunk as you want before sundown? Well, you can, to all of you doubters out there. Shortest car-ride I've ever been a part of.

Okay, no more rambling. Saturday I spent the day washing the walls of my future home, trying to get it ready to move into in the next few weeks and I realized something: moving out doesn't necessarily mean moving on. Yeah, I know that sounds like something found on a Hallmark card or one of those magnetic word puzzles, but it's true. I'm not saying it applies in my case, because it doesn't. I feel like I'm moving and growing up again. But, how many times have we thought a change of setting would change our lives? Where did we really go? What really CHANGED other than that stupid feng shui book you bought to help find balance and renewal? A move is an opportunity to rearrange your furniture and escape a few stains you couldn't get out. A move is an opportunity to get lost in a neighborhood or take a much less efficient route to work. A move is an opportunity to realize that it takes more than a superficial somewhere to make a difference.

I know and respect a lot of people who have moved and overhauled their lives. So many of my friends scattered across the country to find jobs or schools or themselves. I'm just saying, that we're all a little bit too willing to change our address but not our perspective. Please understand that this is not me being pretentious, because my life is more indefinite than it has been in a while (maybe ever), but hear me out. Reflect on what you've done in the past year and determine your level of comfort. And, don't confuse comfort with complacency, because I doubt anyone reading this is lazy and self-satisfied. Just make sure that you're not living in pretense. For yourself. There has been much turbulence in the lives of me and those I care about most: my friends. I feel like a lot of that has been amplified by the fact that we're just not honest. Not dishonest with others, really, but with ourselves. I am sick of seeing people and friendships and relationships go down in flames. I don't want anyone to be the party in the middle and I don't want anyone to forced to facilitate that triangle of bullshit.

Let's all make sure that we know where we're at. And I'm not talking about plans or the future, because that's not realistic. Kudos to those who have the foresight and the guts to have it figured out, but most of us don't have clue one. However, there is one thing even the most nomadic wanderer can know: contentedness (man, I wish I had a more powerful, poetic word to drive this home, but that is the only one I can think of…my name is Blake, king of the anti-climax). Because, even if everything else is a thick London fog, you can still be happy with the choices you've made. The motto or mantra "no regrets" is such self-important tripe that I can't even stand it. Though, I recently came across another aphorism that is so much more realistic and satisfying for me: "Never regret anything because at one time it was exactly what you wanted." There is so much more veracity and honesty in that statement. It's IMPOSSIBLE to live life without regrets and if it is possible for you, please do society a favor and see a shrink, because you've got some frightening complex issues.

As I said, I'm not contending that you all should heed this call. I've made these mistakes and found myself kidding myself and will most certainly do it again. Many times. But through honesty we can accomplish what I think is the key: self-awareness. From that, there is only one place to go: self-fulfillment (though, it does take a while to get there, I think…I'll take my cell with me if you find any shortcuts).

Did any of that even make sense? I'd be lying to myself if it did…dammit! Agree? Disagree? Need an atlas to find point A and B? Sorry, but I hope you find some kind of truth or humor in this blog. At the very least, did you kill 15 minutes of your day? I hope so.

Oh, as for the second part of the blog title. My 23-year-old body has given up on me. I can no longer sleep on a bed that doesn't have an egg crate top or drink consistently for 7 straight hours without feeling the effects 2 days later. I mean, that won't stop me from doing either, but, that's what self-awareness is about. Being content with making the same mistakes over and over again. Hah. I hope you all catch the irony…and the sarcasm.

Confusing people for nearly 24 years,

Bake J. Bowyer

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Friday, October 13, 2006


6:26 AM - Looking backward and forward...
Current mood: contemplative



I've always been an individual who treasured the past; maybe to a fault. I take thousands of pictures and recollect countless memories, both of which are probably annoying. I have a real jones for nostalgia and romanticize the past to make my present seem so dull. However, in the past few months, I've had an epiphany: the past is important, but it is not ultimate. We should revere the past, respect it, but we should never linger in it. We should learn from it, but never let it hold us back. It is this point in my life, when I'm about to turn 24 and move out on my own again that I'm finally excited for the future. It will be an adventure, a journey and I hope you all take it with me.

I had a few blog suggestions yesterday (I'll get to hot dogs and breakfast meats later, Megan) and one struck a chord. The BRE proposed that I make a list of memories because she was feeling nostalgic as I usually do. I thought that was a great idea. So, inspired by a similar list that Erika (NAME DROPPING TO THE MAX TODAY!) made a little while ago, I am following in her footsteps. However, this is not a list to remind us all of better times, but a catharsis, a purging. I apologize if it is a bit esoteric for those I've met only in the past few months, but try to find some entertainment in them out of context. I'm going to try and regulate these reflections to the past two years, otherwise this could get lengthy and everyone will stop reading near the middle anyway. Let's time travel…

- Plant Thursdays and "Carly, there's no way I can break this beer bottle. Oh shit…"

- Amy: "Blake, I've never been this drunk before…" as she sits on the most disgusting floor I've ever seen.

- Throwing things off the balcony at the abandoned Ford Bronco including a 12 pack of Shasta, BBQ sauce, and macaroni and cheese.

- Frisbee in the parking lot. Hitting cars and running like 5-year-olds.

- "Blic", a two-headed tyrant composed of Blake Bowyer and Nic Meeks that amused many and harassed many more.

- Doing the Ladder at Gambino's for sport and not for pleasure. Throwing up at the table. Seeking eye surgery after a long night of vomiting.

- Super Bowl Party. Couches on cinderblocks and kegs of beer. Nic lost $150, but it was worth it for the rest of us.

- Road trip to Seattle and Sparks all the way up. Striking out at the J&M Café and watching Sean be wasted as only he can be. And eat a hot dog.

- Carlsbad Spring Break. Mandy put out a fire with puke and later made out with Janna. The same night. Ew. I vomit and cry in the parking lot of a rental car agency as an attendant pulls around our car and he barely lets me have it.

- Sooo much waiting in airports. Some of it with glee, most of it with sorrow.

- Lindsey topples at a kegger while everyone stares in shock. Her skirt flies above her head.

- I break Amy's back windshield with a water balloon, but we unknowingly continue to throw at it because it just looks "wet".

- Jen making an unexpected visit to my apartment and going on a rampage in my room.

- Mandy: "I'll dance with whoever the fuck I want." Her post-graduation motto in the back of the car as her mom taunts her about Brian.

- Flip-cup t-shirts.

- "Rating" chicks on the balcony as they walk by with a dry erase board. That is fucking cruel. Well, for the ugly ones at least.

- Mr. Z's Casino on my birthday. Brandi watches me lose $200 and encourages me to lose more.

- The Jessi Mattison wedding that is unexpected, but genuine and a blasty blast.

- Jared and Lindsey's wedding when I received my ridicule, but had a lot of fun anyway.

- Lincoln City with three of my favorite people and meeting two more on the coast. Kyllo's, Blue Heron, and ROGUE BREWERY. Jared and I get toasted, the girls get disgusted and reevaluate their choices in life.

- Impromptu visit to LA where my Ryan and Carly make me happier than I should be and Janna and I relate.

- More flip-cup. Randoms at our apartment who join the fun. FC brings people together once again.

- Getting to know Washington.

- Grad party, 2005 and 2006. Jay's "T & A" and my Grandpa being there to witness it.

- Shitfaced at the Botanical Gardens.

- The Beach. Country dancing and sneaking in alcohol.

- Sooo much school, but so much fun.

- Carolina girls, Kaitlin and Tara who teach me to live life. I love and miss you both. Herminston watermelons and fish-catching at Pike's. I hope your tailbone has healed, Kimber.

- Kinsy, because she was my guide and sage. It's been too long, but your wisdom was always appreciated.

- Screwing with the HP girls while they were on calls. Jessica: "Blake, seriously, take my headset!" The Crescent Bar.

- Gaining some goddamn perspective and learning not to be such a brat.

Wow, that's probably enough for now. I hope some of you can find a little humor or wisdom in those flickers. It's amazing what you do and don't recall from the past. I know there are many fond memories that I forgot to mention, but they are no less than those above. If you have any others, I encourage you to share them. I also encourage you to look ahead while only acknowledging the past, not longing for it. Today may not be the best day of your life, but tomorrow might. BUT only if you don't compare it to yesterday, which looks mistakenly fantastic through the rose-colored glasses of nostalgia. I'll end this lovefest with my favorite toast from a guy named Neil Gaiman, who none of you have ever heard of, I'm sure, but he's a genius:

"To absent friends, lost loves, old gods,

And the season of mists,

And may each and every one of us,

Always give the devil his due."


Looking forward,

Blake J. Bowyer

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Thursday, October 12, 2006


6:22 AM - Calling all readers!
Current mood: blank



Are there any requests? I've got nothing today...

In the meantime, one my favorite poems (read the entire piece to actually get the point):

Old Man's Advice
by Berton Braley

Keep away from women, boy,
And play a lonely game.
For the bad ones make you crooked
And the good ones make you tame.
They want to keep you sheltered
From the stress and storm of chance,
And they hold you from adventure
By the spell of soft romance.

Keep away from women, boy.
They either break your heart
With falseness and with mockery
And coldly cruel art,
Or else, with changing kisses
And with fond and loving charm,
They keep you from the struggle
And they spoil your fighting arm.

Keep away from women, boy,
Wherever they may lurk.
They make your courage falter
And they play the deuce with work.
They weave you silken fetters
Which are stronger far than steel.
They rob your soul of daring
And you heart and brain of zeal.
Keep away from women, boy,
And shun their loveliness,
And you shall tread unswervingly
The pathway to success.
The world shall hail you master,
And fortune heed your call,
And you shall reach the lonely heights
And never live at all.

That last stanza is bloody brilliant.

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Wednesday, October 11, 2006


6:20 AM - Spirits: the good kind and the bad kind...
Current mood: drunk



For now, just pray that I don't get a DUI on the way to work so I can finish my blog in a timely manner. I'll be back later with details...

Phew. Good thing my car has a V6, as I'm totally not writing this from a jail cell. Eat it coppers! So, anyway, how's everyone doing this morning? Better than I, I hope. Not that it totally wasn't worth it, but I feel possibly the most tuckered out I ever have. Last night I proved that I don't renege on bets and drank my weight in a solid pinot noir. They don't even measure my drunkenness in BAC, but BPNC. It's useful for all of the winos cops have to pull over these days. C'mon, when you're drunk on wine, you really should get a pass because it's classier than booze and helps level out the glut of wines being produced in America today. Seriously, there is a huge surplus of wines and many vineyards are forced to just dump a lot out. Look it up if you don't believe me.

So, yeah, two bottles of wine (1 ¼ of which I probably drank) later and no sleep to support my problem, I can hardly keep my eyes open. I'll share with you some things I learned last night, impart my wisdom, if you will (and you will):

- Despite how much red wine fills you up, you should still eat otherwise you'll be in big trouble.

- Eagle Road is soooo much easier to navigate at 3:30 a.m.

- Bardenay closes way later than you would think on weekdays.

- There's a guy named Jackson who apparently frequents the bar at wee hours of the night and likes to golf. He's super.

- Don't tuck your tie inside your shirt no matter how much you like it. Apparently, it looks really stupid and embarrasses tablemates.

- Don't hand the keys over to someone because he or she is the "least drunk".

- You can totally fit a bottle of wine in your purse if you try hard enough. Even in little purses. Plus, it looks classy when you leave.

- I have no self-control when it comes to food and spirits.

I hope you all can learn from my experiences, so they don't become yours. Oh, and get this, the waitress advised (more like STRONGLY SUGGESTED) that we take the rest of the second bottle to go. TO GO? Um, ma'am, a bottle of wine is not like a piece of chicken or tidbit of steak, it's a goddamn OPEN CONTAINER. At the time I was really confused because I had never heard of anyone doing that. Now that I think about it more, I'm especially confused for obvious reasons. Next time I'm drinking and driving or have a half-full bottle of wine in my car, I'm going to tell the officer that I just got done eating and the waitress said I could take it home with me. He'll say "Um, sir, they don't sell Everclear in the US, much less McDonald's" and I'll cry all over my Big Mac (or Big Macs to the Doug Benson in-crowd). So, that baffled me quite a bit and continues to do so. If I buy wine at a restaurant, I'm undoubtedly drinking it there. If I did decide to take it home, I would immediately kill myself because I could have drank the same wine at ¼ of the price. At least at the restaurant there are people to clean my vomit off the floor and walk me to my car. I wonder if that's like why a bottle of mediocre wine costs so much? Because it includes all of those services? Think about it!

Making winos think when they really just want to drink,

Blake J. Bowyer

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Tuesday, October 10, 2006


6:04 AM - I've got nothing today...
Current mood: apathetic

I am going to be attending marketing seminars ALL day, so I won't have time to blog, most likely. However, I will leave you with a picture of me unshaven for three days. Break out your magnifying glass and see if you can spot some stubble (alliteration's fun!). Oh, and I removed the background in Photoshop, so that's why it looks so shitty. Let's have another fun and exciting caption challenge, which was so popular last time! Same prize, I'll write a short story or poem or something about the winner. Oh, and I'll get to yesterday's winner's prize ASAP. Thanks for all the entries.

P.S. I know I have giant eyes and a big zit on my forehead, there is no need to point either out.


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Monday, October 09, 2006


1:32 PM - To the victor goes the spoils and the caption game...
Current mood: tired



Weekly production meeting this morning, kids. I'll be back a little bit later to explain why yesterday was full of glory and talk more about my weekend. In the meantime, caption this photo! I will totally write a poem or short story or something about the person who gives me the best caption throughout the day. TRY YOUR WORST! I will return...

P.S. Here's my top-of-the-head try:

"TA-DA! And now, for my next trick..." That's not even funny. Sorry.

_____________________________________________

No responses, huh? Jerks. At long last, here it is!

I'm back! I'd apologize for the tardiness if it weren't for the fact that I was doing my JOB. So, yeah. I hope everyone had a fantabulous weekend. Aside from continuing to be under the weather, mine was great. The flu doesn't stop me from stalking comedians or closing down bars. Or, watching the CARDINALS WIN THE NLDS! Eat it Padres and all Padres fans (you know who you are).

The St. Louis Cardinals have exceeded all expert expectations this postseason by going further than anyone (except good ol' enlightened me) thought they would. Anything else from here on out is just gravy. Though, if they do make it to the World Series in Oakland, I'm totally going. I'm just hoping I can find a bigger suitcase to fit my new Kevlar jacket. It's royal blue and really brings out my eyes. If you don't get any of this, I'll take you to a ballgame in Oak-town one day. My treat.

Man, I honestly don't have much to say. Though it was recommended by a reader that I talk about why I like buffets. So, here we go…

I love food. Eating out is my favorite pastime and I really can't get enough of it. If you need a recommendation on a place to eat anywhere in the Treasure Valley, ask me. I've been almost everywhere. At one time, there was such a dearth of good restaurants in the Boise Metro area that I frequented JB's (which was delicious, but can no longer be found downtown. Sigh). Now, however, there has been a changing of the guard. Boise now boasts a great selection of quirky little bistros and eateries of which it can be proud. My personal favorite restaurant is Bardenay. Check it out. (If anyone employed by Bardenay is reading this, I just increased your business by .000003%, so I think some compensation is in order.) So, what's my point? Well, I love to eat out. So much. I find charm and satisfaction in even the crappiest of restaurants in Boise. If you've ever eaten at Quinn's, the Kopper Kitchen, or Chow Now then you know what I'm talking about. All of those places rule and have their own unique character that one must appreciate.

It's all about expectations. If you think you're going to get gourmet food at Elmer's Restaurant, you're going to be disappointed. BUT, if you're expecting the legs of your table to break when your hacking-up-a-lung waitress brings you the tastiest piece of fried dough you've ever seen in your life, you're in for a treat. Have you ever had that German pancake? Seriously, amazing. Oh, and did anyone ever think it was possible to remodel a place in a way that it looks OLDER than before? The manager at Elmer's on Capital BLVD sure did. Kudos to him or her.

What's my point? Food rocks and there is something to be treasured and appreciated even at the greasiest greasy spoon. ESPECIALLY buffets. Now, let me say upfront that it has nothing to do with the food. The food can range from awful to mediocre at a buffet, but, dammit, that is not why I go. I go because of the people that GO to buffets. There are three types:

--> --> --> --> --> --> --> -->1) People who are overflow from other nearby restaurants. --> --> --> --> --> --> --> -->

--> --> --> --> --> --> --> -->2) Old people who think buffets are good eatin'. --> --> --> --> --> --> --> -->

--> --> --> --> --> --> --> -->3) Dirigible-sized behemoths who would be disappointed by anything less than bottomless portions. Or, as I like to call them, "regulars". --> --> --> --> --> --> --> -->

All three of these groups contribute to my enjoyment when I eat at a buffet. It's like some weird fish tank or Petri dish and I'm the eager empirical sociologist. I don't eat much of the food really. Hell, sometimes I just pay to loiter for 3 hours because it's cheaper than a movie and twice as entertaining. I love the atmosphere. I love that a flank steak is the ritziest thing on the menu. I love that at Old Country Buffet (OCB to those in the circle) there are 48 beverage choices. I love watching a man-cow pile a plate so it would seem that the concept of "buffet" is lost on him. However, he just doesn't want to get up again. He's a strategist. He thinks long-term. I love it went the old people are so appreciative and fascinated by the variety. (Short side story: my grandma used to wrap ham in a napkin and put it in her purse at North's Chuckwagon when I was a little kid because she grew up in the Depression Era. And they had a ton of money. It was so wild.) I love the look of disappointment on the faces of a family who just came from mass and IHOP was a 3-hour wait. I love buffets.

I could probably pontificate a bit more on buffets, but I'm just rambling. Next time you're in the mood observing a social experiment, visit a buffet. Get a bowl of delicious soft-serve ice cream and watch life happen and disappear with one fried prawn after another. It's poetic.

Wondering why J.J. North's went out of business,

Blake J. Bowyer

P.S. Recognize that this is not a rag on fat people, but buffets. Please don't send me hate mail. At one time I was overweight and continue to fight the demon that is obesity. Meet me at Chuckarama where you can express your outrage over a plate of deep-fried vegetables.

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Saturday, October 07, 2006


8:38 AM - Not really a blog...
Current mood: thirsty

I don't blog on weekends, but I'll share a couple of pictures from last night with y'all...


That's me with Doug Benson, headliner at the Funny Bone last night. He has been on shows such as Last Comic Standing, Best Week Ever, and Comedy Central Premium Blend. He was both high and wasted and I bought him two drinks. Best money I've ever spent.


There's me on the way to the next bar. I'm pointing at you, kids! Hollllllywood!

I shouldn't be conscious right now.

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Friday, October 06, 2006


6:18 AM - Addressing "fan mail" and why my postal carrier needs a chiropractor...
Current mood: drained



First off, I'm not sure who else drives West on I-84 to work in the morning, but was that not the most ominous moon you've ever seen in your life? Holy shit. I almost turned around because, clearly, something wicked this way comes. That's what 6:30 AM looks like for those of you who don't know: the eye of a cycloptic demon!

So, yesterday's blog polarized my audience (of 4) yesterday. Some thought it was funny and actually laughed while others missed the point entirely and contended that I was just a vile individual. Well, you're both right, but I only listened to the former. So, I'm going to reply to my comments from yesterday! Yeehaw! I hope that is all right for those four ladies involved. If not, get back to me and I'll remove them. I'll try and do this regularly if I ever get any future blog love. What do you mean that's lazy writing? Screw you. So, our first comment comes from...

Erika

Morning entertainment at its best Blake, nice going.

Thanks Erika. Those of us who are up working at this hour with nothing to do need to stick together. I can't even think of anything else to say about your comment but "hot picture." Next time leave me something worth replying to!

Lindsey


This one was way funnier than yesterday. Have you told Brandon about your blog? I'm sure he would find you humourous also.
And which one of us doesn't get comedy?
By the way, you can't leave just one comment on my blog and then expect me to read yours everyday and leave a new comment. Your one minute of time on my blog doesn't equal my countless minutes spent reading your blog.

Lindsey, why do you have to disguise an insult as a compliment? Yeah, I'm sure you enjoyed it much more than my address on politics and the "real world". You always have been low-brow. And, no, I have yet to tell your brother about my blog. That's how word-of-mouth works, marketing major. The internet is the perfect arena for viral marketing, so help me out and spread the word!
Um, it's not you. It's the other one.

And, yes, I expect you to leave me comments daily. Now, if you updated your blog daily and had a worthless job like mine, maybe you would get more comments. However, that is not the case and, thus, you hate America. "Countless minutes"? Man, it really isn't that painful. You love it and you keep coming back for more!

Amy


I wish I could remember you calling James a "big, muscley fuckface," but I had to recall it the next day written on the dry erase board. I think it's about time for another messy drunk-fest with more fuckface quotes.

Amy, my most loyal fan, yes, I wished I remembered that too. Thank god for dry-erase boards and digital cameras. Remember that time we had a heart-drawing contest at the old apartment and I TOTALLY WON? Oh, and then Nick and I held you down and drew phallic symbols on your face. Good times. October 20th is the next drunkfest, I'll bring my markers.



jennifer


haha... "shut your face"... very very amusing... in fact, i say it all the time! nobody takes me serious anymore, but it's much more refreshing than "shut up." but i love it and even if they keep flappin their yapper, i feel a tid bit better about the situation. kudos.

Jennifer! I can't hear out of my knees, please speak up! No...'cause she's short. Trust me, she deserves it too, because she was not nice to me when we first met. Oh, and thanks for taking the time to talk about YOURSELF on MY blog. I can totally see you telling yappers to shut their faces, though. That should be your slogan or something. I'll make you a t-shirt. P.S. Get your party pants on for tonight, short stack!

So, thanks for the feedback girls. I hope everyone knows I'm just kidding. I should clarify before I get in trouble. I love you all. Karma points to you, lovely ladies!

Lastly, this is what I received in the mail Tuesday (I am not joking or exagerating one bit):
- Senseo coffee machine
- Grey Abercrombie & Fitch sweater
- Two books from Amazon
- 5 TV DVDs from Amazon
- 2 DVDs from Buy.com
- A "Jimi" wallet from Facebook
- 3 pairs of sunglasses from steepandcheap.com

This is what happens when you don't do anything at work all day. You spend it faster than you make it. Somebody please do an intervention?

Made 3 purchases while writing this,
Blake J. Bowyer

P.S. That's me chowing down at In and Out burger in LA this July. Ryan and Carly were hungry too, but they live in LA so they can get it anytime. Thanks guys! ;-)

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Thursday, October 05, 2006


6:40 AM - Audience psychographics and the finer points of vulgarity...
Current mood: geeky



Yes, today I will get to the "fuckface" examination. I swear, more people were actually interested in the promise of that issue than what I actually wrote. I should start building up topics weeks in advance so readers look forward to my blogs. Come on, don't you guys enjoy politics? I'm just trying to inject a little sophistication into your mundane, juvenile lives! Remember this later when I talk about a vulgarity for 6 paragraphs...I'll be back soon. In the meantime, enjoy the picture of me diving in to my papisan chair filled with balloons. I find it amusing and so should you. WEEEEEEEEEE!
______________________________________________

Okay, I'm back. Let me give readers a warning that this blog is about to get unnecessarily vulgar. Now, I'm not really a crude guy, but I thought of this idea one day when I was in LA and sleep-deprived and think it is quite insightful. RyCarrr and Janna heard a bit of it, but nowhere near to this extent or depth. So, really, if you're offended by foul language or asinine assertions or a waste of brain cells, leave. Don't read on. I know some of you still will and I'll get messages about how idiotic and offensive what I wrote was. So, fuck off, please. All right, let's do this finally! Moms, avert your eyes and hide your babies, it's time to make some enemies!

(Man, I built that up way too much, you all are going to be soooooo disappointed.)

Last chance, fuckfaces.

Since I first heard it on some warm August evening, I've always been enchanted by the word "fuckface." It fascinates me. It's not your regular insult or invective. It's much more powerful. Dane Cook once detailed the word "fuck" and why it's so great and worthy of praise. But, the word "fuckface"? That word is "fuck" times 100. What good is "fuck" anymore? Sure, it's still the most offensive word in the English language that isn't directed at any particular gender or race. But, it's really lost some of its luster. As the word of curse became so prevalent in culture, its shock wore off, as all shock does. It's still wonderful and can be combined with any word to create a humorous insult or extreme exaggeration. For example, I might describe something as a "clusterfuck" or "fuckcophony" (I totally just made that one up, now if people knew what a "cacophony" was) and I could laugh at a potentially frustrating situation. So, I mean no disrespect to "fuck", I am not trying to demean it or underestimate its continuing glory or historical importance. It's just, ya know, fuck "fuck".

So, what has emerged as the premier insult in my opinion? What is the successor to "fuck"? Well, my contention would be "fuckface". Why? Well, it combines two of my favorite words "fuck" and "face". I know what you're saying, "face"? Yeah, "face." The word "face" has all kinds of potential for hilarity and impact. You tell me what is funnier: "shut up" or "shut your face". You see my point. The first time I heard one person say to another "shut your face" I was both shocked and amused. Because, while "shut up" is still the preeminent way to politely inform someone that you don't like what is coming from his or her mouth, "shut your face" lets him or her know that you're serious and you will shut his or her face for him or her if need be. This is also an argument of phonics. Because, "shut your face" takes a lot of work to say, whereas "shut up" can be done quickly. You have think about and plan "shut your face", you have to premeditate its usage. I have told many people to "shut up" when I really didn't mean it. Conversely, I have never heard anyone say "shut your face" and not be serious about the other party shutting his or her face. Immediately. Moreover, "face" is just funny anyway. Observe, "I kicked that guy in the balls" or "I kicked that guy in the face". Which is funnier? Clearly, the latter.

So, we've established why the word "fuck" is effective and why "face" is funny and emphasizes any insult. Now, "fuckface". I don't think I need to say anymore, but I will for all of you Doubting Thomasai. Say the word "fuckface" slowly for me. Oh, and if you can't say it because of some reason, you shouldn't have come this far. How easy was that to say? I would assume that it wasn't that easy. You have to bring your upper teeth down to your lip in preparation not once but TWICE. That's the beauty. "Fuckface" does not just slip out. It's not like "douche bag" or "asshole". It feels like you're going to bite your bottom lip off and cover the recipient in saliva and blood from your black heart. "Fuckface" has so much emphasis and force behind it. You have to develop a small strategy to drop "fuckface" on an unsuspecting victim. Like the usage of "face" in some situations, it is premeditated. You are being sincere when you call someone a "fuckface"; there is no joking around. So, next time you call someone a "fuckface", you better realize the power you wield. The power to crush egos and skulls and maybe faces with your words. Don't use it lightly and show respect for this delectable vilification. At least if I ever call you a "fuckface", you'll know what the fuck's up.

I hope this was worth the wait. Don't you feel enlightened? I hope you agree. I'm done for the day.

Defacing fuckfaces,

Blake J. Bowyer

P.S. The only suggestion my spell-check offered for the word "fuckface" was "muckrake" and I thought that was kinda funny.

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B-Lake

Last Updated:
Jun 25, 2007
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Gender: Male
Status: In a Relationship
Age: 24
Sign: Libra

City: Boise
State: IDAHO
Country: US

Signup Date: 01/22/05

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Wednesday, October 04, 2006


7:56 AM - All things in moderation...
Current mood: sick



Blog, you feel like homework today. So, I continue to feel like absolute hell. In fact, I think I'm sicker today than I was yesterday. Moreover, I forgot to take my Vicks Day-Quill® this morning, so not only will I suffer, but so will your entertainment value. Luckily, I always have plenty to say and I promised you, my dear readers, two topics yesterday: talk radio commentators and a deconstruction of the word "fuckface". As you might know, I always deliver.

Annnnnnnnywho, everyday on my way home from work I listen to KBOI 670 for my daily talk radio fix. I would tune-in to the FM stations that play music, but they are fucking unlistenable. I'll die happy if I never hear "Milkshake" again. THEY STILL PLAY THAT! Whatever, it's Boise and we're light years behind any other metropolitan area musically. But, that's another rant.

So, depending on what time I decide to leave work, I catch one of three radio personalities: Laura Ingram, Sean Hannity, or Michael Savage. Now, I'm not going to address the latter, as Michael Savage actually rocks because he's bat-shit crazy and more moderate than the other two. So, Hannity and Ingram. Let me first say that I'm not a liberal. I grew up in Idaho and it's difficult to even have non-conservative views, but I strayed a bit from the pack and would consider myself to fall somewhere on the leftish side of the middle, but mostly middle.

So, this is not conservative bashing, even though I disagree with 95% of the right's ideologies. The reason I detest these two blowhards is that they are brainwashed zombie zealots of the conservative agenda. Right or wrong, these two blindly defend the president, his actions, and the actions of those in the GOP. It doesn't have anything to with ideas or platforms, it is that unwavering, fanatical urge to defend the indefensible. It's the vicious bipartisanship that is totally ruining America. These two are so full of themselves that it's sickening. Listen to the Sean Hannity Show some day and I GUARANTEE 75% of the calls that are accepted start off with "Sean, you're a great American." I promise. I am amazed by the number of sycophants that call in and stroke this guy's ego.

Now, I'm sure if I listened to Al Franken or some liberal news radio commentator, it would be the same song and dance. But, living in Idaho, I don't have that option and am way too cheap to buy Sirius or XM to have that displeasure. So, I listen to these two attack dogs out of necessity. Do chicks dig guys who are in to politics? Tell me, because if not, I'd really rather not get involved. ;-) Honestly, listen to Michael Savage, because, even though I don't agree with everything he says, at least he's objective, open-minded, and nobody's bitch. Oh, and you might catch him saying something really ludicrous or lambaste one of his callers after clearly misinterpreting what he/she said. That's always funny.

Well, since most of you are probably asleep after that diatribe, I'll save my thesis on "fuckface" for tomorrow. I know, I know, but there's only so much you can read in one day anyway. As Dr. Michael Savage once said, "[P]eople who know me, know that this is the real me. I don't pretend to be angry, and then when I turn off the radio I suddenly go out and have a drink with a Red Diaper Doper Baby. Believe me, if it were up to me, I would deport them." WHAT?

Political for all the right reasons,

Blake J. Bowyer

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Tuesday, October 03, 2006


6:58 AM - A note to readers and morning drive-time radio...
Current mood: contemplative


Let me preface today's blog…Yesterday I got feedback from my one reader (thanks mom!) that it's much funnier if you pretend I'm actually speaking these words. I'd have to agree, because believe it or not, this is pretty close to how I talk. Yeah, an odd juxtaposition of sentence fragments and tireless run-ons that has some kind of abrupt rhythm. For those of you who don't know me that well, just imagine a slightly nasal, sardonic voice that over-enunciates and is accompanied by many facial expressions and two giant rolling eyes. If you searched long enough, you could actually hear my silky smooth voice on my company's website, but you're going to have to take that Easter egg journey by yourself.

Anyways, back to business. This morning I woke up with what feels like a case of influenza (maybe a strain of bird flu that I might have contracted from the duck in one of my pictures?), so I took one of my favorite OTC drugs, Vicks Day-Quil. Now, I don't know about your experiences with Day-Quil, but the box says "non-drowsy" and that's true. But you spend your entire day in a fucking dull haze! The shit really opens up your mind, so I think today's blog is going to be super-long and observational. Let me take you on a magic carpet ride.

This morning I was listening to the radio as I drove to work and I heard a commercial that baffled me. It was voiced entirely in third-person by "dull hair." You know, hair that is dull. So this is like a matte toupee talking, basically. So I'm thinking, "This is a creative, if not annoying shampoo commercial." And then "dull hair" decrees that the cure for what ails it is CULLIGAN PURIFIED WATER! WHAT? REALLY? I mean, I don't know if Dully McHairpiece was talking about water coolers or a complete household purification system, but I found that hard to swallow. Culligan really shouldn't make that kind of claim on its commercials. Why? BECAUSE NO ONE WILL BELIEVE WATER HAS THAT BENEFIT. I mean, girls, maybe I'm just stupid, but would purified water make your dim coif shine like the sun at the Equator?

"Dull hair" also used the word "complacent" when describing what it made the bionutrients in shampoo feel like. Quick tip copywriter, "complacent" hasn't assimilated itself into the common vernacular and therefore shouldn't be wedged in to a commercial where you audience is the group of people that believes purified water will make their hair shiny. It will go right over their glistening heads.

Another commercial I heard this morning was one that might be more universal: freecreditreport.com. The angelic voices of that catchy jingle almost sung me to sleep in my car this morning. Is there anything more heavenly than "freeecreditreport.com" sung by a struggling girl band trio looking to make a quick buck? I think not!

Wow, I was going to also opine about the word "fuckface" and talk radio commentators for like two pages, but this is already way too long. I'll save that for tomorrow. In the meantime, leave some comments (mom, don't make me beg) and revel in the little things in life. Oh, and if anyone wants to bring me some Gatorade, I feel really dehydrated.

Blinded by your hair,

Blake J. Bowyer

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Monday, October 02, 2006


10:08 AM - Work meetings and the MLB postseason...
Current mood: apathetic


After 2 years of living the corporate life, I've realized this: meetings and think tanks are almost as worthless as pogs (you remember pogs, right?) and even more copious. I made a joke once at work that AIM doesn't stand for "American Image Marketing" as much as "Always In Meetings" and everyone laughed. But I assure you that on the inside they were crying.

I just got out of our weekly "production meeting" and its title is ironic because nothing is less productive. For an hour I listen to the ideas of my coworkers, some good, most bad, that we all rally around for like 10 minutes and agree to accomplish. 5 minutes later those ideas are ghosts and the status quo is maintained. We might as well do a fucking rain dance with all of our enthusiasm...at least we'd get some exercise.

On a happier note, the MLB playoffs start tomorrow! YEEHAW! The St. Louis Cardinals provided some unanticipated excitement by losing 8 in a row and nearly reliquishing the division title. I'll be sending the organization my bill for the holes I punched in my wall during that dramatic run of futility. This year's team is probably the worst in recent memory and I'm not holding my breath for the World Series. But, in the postseason, any team can win, so I'll still be following it religiously. It also helps to have the best hitter of the 21st century in Albert Pujols, too. MVP! MVP!

The first two games will be played during the daytime as I work, so I'm going to have to put a request in for a satellite dish for my office. Either that or I'm "working from home" Tuesday and Wednesday. The Ram IS like my second home, so it's not really lying. I think I'll bring it up at one of the three other meetings I have today. Wish me luck.

Bleeding Cardinal red,
Blake J. Bowyer

8:50 AM - "Trying to abate the feeling..."
Current mood: nauseated

So, last night I got kind of intoxicated and I'm currently laying in my bed afraid to get up in fear of what I might feel like. So, I decided to solidify my nerdiness by starting a blog (should I call it a b-log?)! This might be the lamest thing I've ever done in my life...except for that time I went to Lilith Fair. Damnit!

I'm going to try and update it regularly as I'm always searching for things to keep myself occupied at work. Maybe I'll start a podcast too. I'm so modernly hip and dorky, wow. So, dear fans, this is the first...the first of many!


Last night was the First Annual Boise Brewfest! The event consisted of 15 breweries showing off their potent potables and specialty beverages. The vendors included places like the RAM, Rogue (the best beer ever!), and, of course Pabst. Hold on, Pabst? PBR? Yes, I did a triple-take too. However, if you haven't tried the brewer's Pear Ale (or something), it's probably the best fruity "beer" I've ever had. Yummy. Mike's Hard Lemonade was also there, which confused me too, but I won't complain 'cause that stuff is tasty and comes back up just as fabulous.

So, that was a fun time and we all got pretty plowed. I wasn't out of my mind or anything, but in a constant state of bacchanalian. I mean, not as bad as the middle-aged dudes who came alone and just stood in one place creeping on all of the college chicks with a look of stupor. After that, we moseied on to the Hangar and I proceded to chat up (I'm so British) girls and long, lost friends from college and high school. Oh, and you know the rhyme "beer before liquor never been sicker"? That poet was an enlightened genius.

I finished off the night with the best Gator Dog I've ever had and came home to promptly black out (or, as I like to call it, "time travel") in the bathtub. That's a little scary, but I'm alive today (barley) to talk about it. I should stop now, because now I'm just meandering and talking about being naked. Am I still drunk?

So, tune in next time when I can't find anything to do at work (which will probably be around 8:15 tomorrow) for more random musings from the mind of a beach bum who isn't a bum and lives nowhere near a beach. Sigh.

Peace and love,
Blake J. Bowyer