This blog entry will cure depression* ...

*Results not typical. Your experience may vary.

In my line of work - marketing/advertising - one thing us up-and-coming product pimps are taught on a regular basis is an evolving list of the most evocative, effective words for headlines and copy. Words such as "FREE", "YOU", "SALE", and "GIGANTIFY" (that last one is from a list utilized by SPAM marketers). The list changes slightly from year to year with the tides of popular culture, but it has generally been static over hawking history. Many a shill will debate the impact of these words and which of them have risen to prominence in our modern marketing lexicon, but there is one that stands out to me, and it's not a word in the traditional sense. Hell, it's merely a symbol, a character, a glyph. It doesn't even have sovereignty over its own computer key. It's not as enticing as the dollar sign ($) or as sexy as the ampersand (&), but it is the single most revolutionary, most prevalent, most defusing keystroke in all of marketing: the asterisk (*). *

*Not to be confused with the bafflingly popular French cartoon character.

What is an asterisk, anyway? It originated as a two-dimensional, star-shaped symbol used by genealogists to indicate date of birth, so says the most boring person on Earth who wrote the Wikipedia article. Those are humble, innocuous beginnings for a character that has come to be so significant in my facade of a profession. To relate how I see it, the lifespan of the asterisk is most akin to the career of Britney Spears (yeah, I fucking know, I'm just trying to relate to everyone, substitute Edgar Allen Poe, Lenny Bruce, or Vincent Van Gogh if that's too lowbrow for you): tragic. The asterisk began as a rather harmless symbol with its rise to prominence, enjoyed success in certain limited circles, rose to its height of popularity and visibility (Lou Gehrig's record-breaking season of 1961, anyone?), and entered a downward spiral of doubt and self-abuse potentially caused by a number of factors including depression, controlled substances, and overexposure.

Now, the analogy isn't perfect, but that's not the point. The point is that the asterisk is now, without a doubt in my mind, the most reviled, overused, undermining drop of ink found in any marketing material today. The sight of an asterisk in a pamphlet or magazine ad literally makes me cringe. In my mind, the asterisk invalidates everything that precedes it. Instead of that symbol, it might as well say "PSYCHE!", "NOT!", or "IN YOUR DREAMS, DUMBFUCK, JUST MINDLESSLY BUY WHAT WE SELL."

Consider the following REAL examples:

1st month FREE*

Stronger, Faster & More Effective than ALL 100% Hoodia Products!*

GIVE thanks. (company) partners with St. Jude's Children Research Hospital*

Can you even imagine why that last one needs a footnote? In my mind: "*(company) partners with St. Jude's Children Research Hospital by providing the organization with units of our product not approved by quality control and expired inventory that isn't selling well." And then that statement will have an asterisk and then the next statement must contain a clause and so on. It will come to that point, I bet. A full-page ad in Men's Health will contain seven words of actual marketing copy and the rest of the ad will be filled with **** and notations.

Now, why is this consequential and problematic? Two reasons that result in a dichotomy.

1) Are consumers so stupid and uninformed that this is necessary? Aren't we taught not to believe everything we read? Sure there are certain products like pharmaceuticals and household cleaners that NEED to have footnotes and warnings, but for every statement in every advertisement to be unequivocally explained is a testament to how ignorant and litigious our society has become. Two decades ago, Mr. Yuck was the equivalent of an asterisk, but was far less common and far more recognizable. Now, the green-faced vomiter who represented all that is, well, yucky in consumer products has had his (or her) ass handed to him (or her) by an infinite horde of falling stars. I'm all for consumer protection and disclosure, but the companies are trying to SELL THEIR PRODUCTS and even the mongoloids should know that it probably isn't the whole story. "Cures cancer? I don't see how an edible tapeworm could do that, but let's give it a shot!"

2) Are companies so nefarious and unscrupulous that this is necessary? Fuck, has it come to this? Have marketers deceived and tip-toed themselves to the point where they can no longer market? It's looking like it. Hell, there was a point in consumer products where some braggart could stand atop a soapbox on a street corner and profess the miracles and benefits of Wacky Wally's Brain and Nerve Tonic and the only suit he found himself in was a seersucker. Marketers have eroded all of that consumer goodwill from decades and decades of shady shilling and devious dealing. It's really quite pathetic.

The conclusion? Marketing is more difficult than ever because of the gullibility of the masses and the beguiling of merchandisers. No one party is to blame, except maybe the Republican Party (I'm just kidding). We've all gotten ourselves into this mess. A quagmire of underprotection and overregulation. The FDA is a bureaucratic joke of an organization the FCC is a close second. As with most issues, it comes down to education. The FDA and FCC could be reduced significantly if consumers just weren't so hasty to get their product gratification.

The best example I can think of is kids choking on toys. Parents, you look at the things you pull off the shelf before you hand them to your children, right? Hell, if you have a kid who is young enough to choke on something, you probably open the toy and hand it to them directly, right? Or, do you just bring a box of Legos home to your 9-month old and throw it in his or her face so you can get back to complaining about how you didn't think the energy supplement you bought would increase your heart rate? Nowadays all toys have to be littered with warnings so the kid can't choke on its small parts, or poke itself with its sharp edges, or, really, have any fun with it. Sooner or later, the only thing that won't have been taken off of the shelves will be balls. But not too small as a kid could choke on those too, and definitely not too big because that could possibly crush the legs of your little gelatinous germ baby. Oh, and don't make it too bright or the sun will reflect off of it and burn their retinas and avoid using rubber because then it could bounce away and your kids could recklessly round out into the streets and get hit by a car. I hope your kid enjoys his sweet fucking ball.

Wow, that's a digression and a half. Let me wrap this up quickly.

The point is, the asterisk has severed the hands of the mischievous marketers to create the illusion of safety in consumer products. It's done its fair share of good, don't get me wrong, but next time you're strolling down the aisles of your local grocery store, take a look at any food or pill with a health claim. You will find at least one asterisk to backup one ill-advised claim. The asterisk was created by both participants, the buyers and the sellers and it has eliminated all credibility in the marketplace. I cringe when I see an asterisk, because I feel like I am being, concurrently, spoon-fed and lied to. That's an unenviable feeling for both parties in this exchange. Companies, be truthful and good products will sell themselves. Customers, be informed and poor products will be naturally forced out of the market.

It's a truly beautiful process if we can all adhere to it. Of course, so is democracy. Just try to do your part, all right?