An amateur diagnosis ...

I've been getting a lot of headaches lately and I have no idea why. I'm not an individual who usually suffers from this affliction, but they've certainly been present in the past couple of weeks. I'm trying to figure out why. Have you ever tried self-diagnosis? It's a problematic undertaking. Let me start by stating that I don not have medical degree. I have no background in medicine or health care. The closest I ever came to becoming a doctor was when I got CPR certified. Fifteen years ago. Worst of all, these brain pains completely disable me from composing coherent thoughts. It's a perfect storm of inanity and ineptitude. First, seeing as how I had just taken the GMAT and filled my head with a sea of useless knowledge, I thought my brain had finally outgrown my skull. It was bound to happen. The shooting pain I feel in my temple is actually a fault, not unlike the San Andreas, created by my bloating brain. I'm still hanging onto this one. Oh, and my ears are bleeding, so I think that's another symptom of neurological giganticism, the name I gave my affliction. It affects 1 in 314,159,265 people worldwide.

Second, my brain may be revolting. I think there is an uprising taking place in my head organized by the dendrites. They might be protesting the recent lack of sleep or the recent shortage of wine. I'm not sure on this one. Either way, it's getting ugly.

Third, something is hatching inside my head. It might be an alien, it might be a conjoined twin. I'm not positive on this one either. I'm just surprised that the incubation period was so long. I hope it doesn't affect my modeling career.

*** Sidebar ***

Does anyone still study/practice phrenology? Goddamn that had to be a fascinating period to be a medical student. I have performed so many lobotomies. "So, how are we fixing these mentally ill folks?" "Oh, we're just going to pull out the corresponding parts of the brain that cause the mental illness." Doesn't everyone wish his or her job was as simple as removing parts of the brain? Seriously, someone disagrees with you, take out the frontal lobe. Problem solved. Now who's the boss?

*** Sidebar #2 ***

Has anyone seen that new commercial for the Bowflex home gym? It's the typical quick-cut glamor shots of the spaceship-looking machine and its greasy, bronzed beneficiaries with the generic voiceover ("I lost 70 pounds and took 12 inches off my waistline in just 20 minutes, 4 times a week."). All is business as usual until the actor (or former monstrosity, I can't decide if they Photoshop those pictures or not) smugly spouts this gem: "I gave all my fat clothes to my fat friends." WHAT?! Wow, you're, all at once, the best and worst friend anyone could have. I guess the Bowflex gives you great abs AND a God complex. That's amazing. Who writes this dialogue? I'm not sure what copywriting book suggests you that you create completely unlikeable characters in your ads. And who takes hand-me-downs from friends, anyway? Especially in that situation. It defies logic.

"Hey, Mike, you know how I'm in the best shape of my life?"

"Yeah, you don't shut up about it."

"Why would I? Anyway, here are the clothes I can't wear anymore since I'm no longer a disgusting pig. I thought you might want to give them a try. Careful, though, they might be a bit tight. I'm so awesome."

I bet he didn't even wash them, for those fat friends of his don't deserve time. HE'S BUSY PUMPIN' IRON! What a smarmy asshole.

However, I envision a scenario in which this was the best, least offensive take after like three hours of shooting and the producers decided to throw in the towel. Lines that didn't make the cut include: "I gave all my fat clothes to my fat friends, after I infected them with monkey pox." "I gave all my fat clothes to my fat friends, then I gave them titty-twisters and spit in their faces." And, best of all, "I threw a bag of all my fat clothes at my fat friends and then ran them over with my car. They'll get the bill in the mail." Mental marketing note: don't use roid-ragers in commercials. Check.

This is so disjointed it's not even funny. Sorry, I have a headache.